And a revelation.
First of all this fourth sequel to 2020 came in like a lion: a mangy, smelly, exceedingly annoying lion.
Now that everything is working, and we’re in negotiations with the water company so as not to pay for the thousand plus dollars of wasted water (to be fair, the break was not their fault, but they have an “amnesty” program for this.) I’ve been getting downright testy at myself for not being as productive as I should be, both in chapters for here, and in my overdue short stories, overdue (indie) comic script which the artist has been waiting for.
And here I should insert that this entire year and in fact since September I’ve been on adderal, which I don’t like at all. Not taking it makes it harder to sit down and write, but taking it seems to make it impossible to stay sitting and writing.
Part of the problem is that though I have the story in my head, the voice refuses to come. I’m not IN the story, I’m floating above it. I’m fighting for every single word, the story clangs disharmoniously and the character doesn’t seem to have a coherent personality (particularly when it’s first person, which is often the case). Or I get lost in describing minutia no one could possibly care about.
Over the last two weeks there’s been a lot of talk that either just showed up, or I just started noticing, about Adderal turning off the creative side of the brain. And while I didn’t fully pay attention, as I was trying desperately to do overdue short stories and chapters — and to be fair, this week we had two days of cat vet appointments. Valeria is doing better, thank you, but it ate the mornings, for two straight days. — the thoughts kind of percolated in the back of my head.
I’ve been taking half a dose of adderal, because taking a full dose makes me psychotic. I did quite well with Vyvanse, but they are out of it and will be till at least the end of March and likely later. So—
Since I went on adderal, I realized as I thought about it, not only has writing been very difficult, but also anything creative, including but not limited to my hobbies. I start drawings I never finish, sewing projects lie around in various stages of non-completion, and I can’t seem to care.
Or rather, I care, but whatever inner interest in the thing, it’s just not there. Despite the different nature of the meds it felt a lot like when I was on Valium as a teen.
As far as any writing that happened, it was happening around 9 pm, and by then I was tired.
Adderal is actually great for blog posts and house cleaning. but nothing else.
So yesterday I struggled all day to write A short story, and it was… unsatisfactory, though almost done by midnight. Just before I closed my laptop I got an email from a colleague complaining of the effects of adderal on his writing.
so, i decided not to take it this morning, and wrote the story in under three hours and I THINK it sounds much better.
So, it’s going to be like this. I’m going to try to keep at it for three weeks, and create the eight hour a day habit again. It will suck, particularly since we have Confinement early March, then a trip to Portugal — knocks on head — in May, then family stuff in June, and even LC if we can figure it out. Then SOS in July, after which I’m going to just write. But those interruptions? It means every time the habit has to be rebuilt, though it will be easier when I’m not out of the habit for very long, unlike now.
Can I do it? I guess we’ll find out. It’s going to be hard, but I dislike meds, and perhaps I can beat this without meds.
After all, until Igot sick in the last few years in CO, I did have the habit. And when I fell off the horse, I could rebuild it by going to a hotel for a week or two and restarting it.
It’s a little harder now, due to age — estrogen protects women from the worst of ADD, which is why fewer girls and women are diagnosed with ADD — but it should still be possible.
And I’m at the very least going to try